Are you bad with money?

Are you good with money?

What does it even mean to be “BAD” with money? I am so excited to talk about this and I think what I have to say will absolutely blow your mind!

As with most of these things, the lesson came from my own difficult integration. A few days ago I went through a huge emotional rollercoaster after spending $3000 on a non-toxic mattress. I went through an absolute circus of emotions and each feeling that came up was battled by my logic.

Cheaper mattresses exist! This one is non-toxic. You’ve slept on used mattresses your entire life what makes you so special now? I can afford it. You can literally get free mattresses on the side of the road and you’re spending $3000 on one? It’s for me and the baby. It’s wasteful! We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping and it’s important. The money is going to run out ahhhhh. Omg calm down there is infinite supply.

AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.

I was SO upset! I was waking up arguing with myself, feeling guilty then justifying it -for TWO NIGHTS in a row I didn’t get any sleep (ha ha) because I was so deeply disturbed by this reality jump where now I can afford a really expensive mattress and I am allowed to have one.

It sent me into a manic spiral and I ended up spending over $8,000 in just a few days. I could NOT believe I did that. Afterwards, I had no more emotions left to give. I had to just observe what was going on and try to learn from it. Spending large amounts of money while I’m manic is very unusual for me, so I knew there was a lesson here. Something was coming to the surface and screaming for me to look at it but I didn’t know what it was yet.

All I knew is that I was so ungrounded. I wasn’t in my body. I was so uncomfortable and upset. I couldn’t figure out what was happening - it felt like a subconscious part of me was driving the bus - but it was like the movie Speed and I couldn’t slow down. I felt lost and scared. And then I talked to my sister.

My sister guided me through a meditation to discover where these feelings were coming from. It was my 18 year old self. What upset me so badly at that age?

I DON’T WANT TO BE BAD WITH MONEY!

When I moved out of the house at 17 my family told me I was bad with money. They told me over and over. They made fun of me because for my birthday one year I had to ask for toilet paper and fingernail clippers since I couldn’t afford them. As a Leo, they didn’t need to make fun of me in order for me to feel shame and sadness about it anyway. They didn’t even get me one nice thing. It was literally all toilet paper and toenail clippers - and jokes about how bad with money I am.

I was so “bad with money” that I had to steal my food from the dining hall all throughout college. I was so “bad with money” that all my clothes were from the thrift store and I was so “bad with money” that when my car broke I could never afford to fix it.

As my sister guided me through this meditation I remembered all of these things. I also remembered how my parents literally never gave me any money at all and still - my rent was paid each month, never late. I remembered how I worked every week and weekend while taking 19 credits a semester, occasionally getting fired for being extremely depressed and over-medicated, and always finding a new job right after.

What does your 18 year old self need? my sister asked.

In my meditation I looked at my 18 year old self. What advice could I give this troubled angel? I thought and thought… but I had nothing. Then it hit me….

OH

OH MY GOD.

I WAS NEVER BAD WITH MONEY.

I just didn’t HAVE money.

Literally my only problem back then was that I didn’t actually have enough money! I was actually super responsible with my money, I just had a laughably small amount of it. All my 18 year old self needed from me was a couple hundred bucks. No problem baby angel. Here you go.

I had let my family program my mind with the idea that I am bad with money and it created a wall of shame. I felt like there was a RIGHT way to have money and a WRONG way. It seemed like everybody else knew the RIGHT way and I just could never figure it out because I was inherently wrong. But that’s a bunch of bullshit! I was just the black sheep and everyone shit on me for… what, being poor??? and because I believed it, I absorbed the bullshit, and energetically validated it back to them and so it continued.

Now that we see the shame for what it is, let’s look at the TRUTH.

Money is energy. I interact with energy differently than other people. My mind operates much faster than other people’s. I explore new things rapidly. I have a wide range of interests. My spending has always matched these traits. I love to buy books and tools and art supplies and clothes that express my ever-changing attitudes.

Wow, now that I see it for what it is - I am actually GREAT with money.

I use money to affirm my true soul desires!

I use money to explore earth and my passions!

I don’t spend money like other people because my energy is different than other people’s energy. That’s ok and that’s beautiful. My relationship to money is unique because it’s just a reflection of my relationship to energy.

So, what does it mean to be “bad” with money?

Here’s what I think - if you hurt yourself or other people with your spending, you might want to look at your relationship to money. You might be spending money on an addiction, or taking advantage of other people to get what you want, or you might be spending more than you have as self sabotage and stressing yourself out. If you relate to this, you have a wound somewhere that needs to be addressed. Healing this wound will be VERY beneficial to you emotionally and financially.

Otherwise, guess what, you can do whatever the fuck you want with your money. It’s your connection to energy in the 3D. It’s here for you to PLAY and EXPLORE the physical realm. Forgive yourself for wanting to have fun. Forgive yourself for exploring your passions and desires. You are allowed.

There is a balance that is needed. If you’re someone who feels like they are responsible with money but can’t seem to get ahead - well, you probably just don’t have enough money yet. You don’t need to keep yourself in a shame prison feeling like your financial insecurity is your fault for buying avocado toast one time or a few pretty thrift store dresses.

If you’re a reader of this blog then there’s a very good chance your future self is in a much more stable place where these things won’t be a problem anymore.

But, if you’re spending just to get a rush and you don’t really use what you buy - there’s a shopping addiction afoot. You’re spending money as an attempt to regulate your nervous system. Addictive behavior counts as harming yourself - so check out some AA programs that target this type of addiction. They can really help!

When you can see money as a tool to play and explore the 3D realm, rather than a rigid and scary thing you’re afraid to mess up, your energy becomes much freer and you’re able to manifest more fluidly. Notice where you’re blocked up with shame, integrate it, and get back to the fun stuff!